Alright People pay attention here. This post is going to be all over the place, and probably a little on the long side, but hopefully I will be able to bring it into perspective and focus at the end.
I have been in the wings lately, Jenn has been so gracious and generous with her time in covering more than her share of work on this blog.
We had the idea growing for this blog for over a year. We talked, we thought, we discussed, we mulled. Then we got in to serious discussing and thinking. Then we said this is ridiculous let's just get going. We were both comfortable with the relative chaos of our lives, yes it was busy but we knew what to expect.
So armed with a basic schedule for posting and an outline of what we wanted this to be, we dove in and registered our names, email addresses, facebook pages and twitter account.
Then the curve balls came, we both had nasty colds and then the flu run through our households, we prepared and lived through thanksgiving and then started preparations for Christmas...well Jenn did anyway. Jenn had to deal with hockey tryouts and then hectic team schedules x2. I was segued by a few more challenges.
In my department of 6 people we had 2 people leave and one leaving in November for a month long vacation which left us severely short-handed. Work has be overwhelming, overbearing and just plain not a fun place to be at the moment, we are working through it the best we can, but the stress fractures in our team are there.
Our physiotherapist made the difficult decision to move back home to Newfoundland at the end of the summer and later in the fall we found out that funding for our Childrens treatment centre was cut severely enough that services and frequency of services would be drastically effected. This meant a huge blow to our rehabilitation schedule and treatment plan after T's surgery last April. This required some serious revamp of our homelife schedule to incorporate more therapy time at home as well as with a private provider.
I was asked to be part of a panel at the treatment centre to work through how to deal with this new funding reality. This has required some of my creativity and brain power to wrap my head around alternative programming and funding.
We discovered that our 13 year old dog has an aggressive tumor growing and that my husband will very soon have to say good-bye to his steadfast companion through a divorce, a period of self discovery, our meeting, dating, marriage, and babies. This will be a huge loss for our family, but I'm afraid devestating to my husband for a period of time. I have had to sign the papers before to have an animal euthanized. I have watched, held and cried at a pets last breath. Unfortunately for my husband this will be his first and there is just nothing I can do to ease this painful experience, it is what it is and we will all live through and survive this pain as a family.
But probably the most underlying and overwhelming part of my existence for the past several months, the biggest draw on my energy and resources was the little surprise I received back in September one day.
I peed on a stick and saw this +
Can you imagine??? I'm sure some of you are praying for this symbol, I'm sure some of you are thinking about this symbol, I'm sure some of you are thanking your lucky stars you have not seen this symbol.
That one little symbol has totally thrown me for a loop these days. Although we had not closed the door on the discussion of adding to our family, I thought we would be persuing adoption or perhaps foster parenting. Not because I thought we couldn't have more kids but I didn't think, no I knew I did not want to be pregnant and give birth again. I wasn't sure my body could take it.
You see I am not one of "those" pregnant people. You know, you might even be one. The type of person who loves being pregnant, feels great, looks great, lives for the miracle of life growing inside her.
No, I am a oh my god when will this be over, my back hurts, my side hurts, i feel like barfing ALL.THE.TIME. the poking, the kicking, the no sleep, the lack of coffee, the tired exhaustion EVER.SINGLE.DAY.
And since we are being honest here. I'm not a big fan of the first six weeks after birth either of the no sleep, boobs the size of a small country, and squishy insides, that you shove into whatever clothes you have that are not maternity because you hate them so much you burnt them the day you got home from the hospital. You'll note most of this is self-centred and so not even measurable against the joy of a brand new human being. But I am being honest and not a good pregnant, post birth person I'm just not.
Don't get me wrong. I love little babies, I love MY little babies and I love THIS little baby. It wanted to be born to this family so badly it had to SNEAK its way in and that is just pur miracle that I have accepted and cherish and am so very thankful for.
But anyone who knows me knows that I have to be prepared for the unexpected or have planned things to every detail. This situation has been the supreme test of my ability to "go with the flow" and it has been a rough ride. This pregnancy just brings so many things into play. Can I continue to work full time? Can I continue to commute to work?? Can I continue to provide the home therpay program that the boy needs??? Can I spend time with and focus on the girl as she enters JK and begins her education???? So many questions. I feel stretched so thin already.
I have to say that my husband was over the moon ecstatic and deliriously happy about this development and that is also my blessing to count.
So to bring things in to perspective and to piggyback on Jenn's recent post about What will be your word for 2010. I hope that this will help explain my choice for 2010.
Focus on the special blessing that has been bestowed upon me
Focus on one thing at a time and do my best with that focus
Focus on myself
Focus on our future
Focus on making a plan the next few years
Focus on how full of love and fun this adventure will be
Focus on the soltions and answers to my many questions
FOCUS on believing that all will reveal itself when the time is right
Stay tuned as A Balanced Lifestyle takes on a whole new meaning for me and I will be able to share with you this process of discovering a new balance, a new way of life. I wish I had a great quote to end with but that is Jenn's department.
I guess I can just end with what I know.
I know that saying good-by to 2009 will be sad and challenging and that 2010 holds many opportnities and excitement and wonder and thoughtful choice and abundance.
Are you ready to kick it in 2010? I am!