Reflections of a Decade

Jenn had this great idea for a post. Writing about where you were in your life 10 years ago at the turn of the millennium and where you are now. I thought this was a great idea and was so excited to do it. Then as a reflected...we...for me...in a word...WOW!

1999 - I was working in a small -midsized company that had embraced the new computer technology a few years back and was now facing the Y2K scare that was such the hype. I loved my job, I was well respected and at 27 years old felt like the world was my oyster I could go anywhere from here.

The song "Party like is 1999" by Prince was in over play on the radio all week long.

Personally I was struggling in a 7 year old marriage that wasn't "unhappy" per se, but it wasn't going or growing, well, anywhere.

I spent the New Year's Eve of 1999 in a small rural farm with my then husband and our closest and dearest friends out in the middle of a horse field, roasting marshmellows and drinking beer around a fire in our snowsuits. One cooler held the drinks, another held the hot food like meatballs, hot dip, hot chocolate, crab cakes. It was a wonderful, peaceful way to spend new year's eve after all the hype in the media about power outages, the apocolypse and whatnot.

In the days that followed, as I reflected on the new decade, the new millennium something was settling into my heart, into my bones, into my soul.

My dear friend was expecting her second child, my sister was planning her wedding, there were big changes happening at work. At home things were the same, not overly happy, not overly sad, the same as always. There were lots of issues but starting a family was a big one and we did not seem to be moving anywhere on the topic for the past 5 years.

I sat down one day at my kitchen table and made myself a list of what I wanted my life to be like in the next 5-10 years. I wish I still had it to share with you, but I know it included, a husband who is my partner in every sense of the word, a family, opportunities in my work to grow and learn. I wanted to smile more, laugh more, give and feel love more. I just wanted more.

I moved forward with determination, survival instincts. We were on a course for an epic fail, I was busy planning for my sister's wedding and feeling like he was withdrawing and not giving a crap about my family. I will never forget the day I was running around the house trying to pull everything together for a party for my sister when he asked me the question.

"We're going to be okay, aren't we?"

There they were... hanging in the air in our kitchen, the words that had been whispering, haunting, growing silently. He stood at the doorway and I sat on the kitchen table, took a deep breath and responded.

"I don't know?"

That week went from bad to worse as we tried to figure it out. It culminated in a whirl of hurtful words and feelings and me packing up the last 7 years of my life and moving most of it to a storage unit and the necessities to my parents.

I struggled to keep it together. This was a difficult decision. I loved him and I loved being married. But what I settled on... in my heart and soul was that I did not like the person I was, when I was with him.

I knew I was a good person, I knew I was capable of great things, I knew I was capable of giving more love and support than I was. I knew I deserved more love and support and encouragement than I was feeling. None of those things were coming into play in our relationship much less my life and I could no longer accept that.

Something had to change. We both knew it. I was the one who had the fortitude to say, own it, and be it.

It sucked! He moved on fairly quickly and I dated with no intention to develop a relationship. I dated for a distraction but I was focusing on what was next for me. Within 6 months an agreement was in place, he was in a relationship and the birth of a child was expected (ouch!) within the year we were divorced.

At 27 years old I had invested 10 years of my life, I was scared, broken, vulnerable but hanging on by a thread to what I knew was my truth. Again, I sat down and made myself a list of what I was looking for in a man, a partner, a husband. I would share this with you, but I had it framed and gave it to my current husband on our first anniversary. I had this little list tucked away in a journal that sat on my night table, I would review it now and then.

Carrying on I met a guy through relatives, in passing really, we crossed paths several times, but neither of us was ready to pursue a relationship. The more I got to know him, the more items I was able to check off the crazy list I had scribbled in my journal. Eventually we were crossing paths frequently enough that it was time to give it a try.

Flash forward to today as I prepare to bring in 2010. I am happily, ecstatically in love and married to the partner I was seeking. I have a beautiful happy and healthy growing family. I have good and great relationships with my family and friends.

When my teenage nieces asked me "how will I know when I am with the one?" I tell them with confidence that being in a relationship should make you more of who you are already, better, shinier. (that's how I feel, like I shine)

Life is an ever evolving dream, are their things I am still working towards, you bet!

If you would have asked me on that peaceful, dark winter night 10 years ago if I would be married to a wonderful man with 2kids +1 on the way and living the life of Riley. I would have said yes of course! I knew that was where I wanted to be. I just didn't know that it would be such a journey with so much change and growth.

So this year while I sit with my orange juice and sparkling mineral water waiting for the ball to drop, I'm going to plug in my iPod (so I don't wake the kids) and shake my booty to a little Prince and be so thankful that I am where I am today.

I love being me !

Where were you in 1999? and where are you today! Have a look. You've come a long way baby! Give yourself some credit!

My Holiday Stress and Cheers

This is shaping up to be some kind of holiday here at the homestead.


I was pretty proud of myself this year. I have my kids totally looked after for Christmas and most of my other gifts. My shopping list for the week before Christmas is made so I know what I have to pick up so we can eat for two weeks without having to go out for anything. I still have a few gifts to pick up for the neices and nephews but I'm not stressed about it. I have 6 lunch hours left to pick everything up.

My hubby was a HUGE help this year as we split up the list and he picked up a bunch of things to make my life easier.

We have been able to do all this on budget and for cash, no credit cards this year! AMAZING!

But we all know there are checks and balances in the universe and the piper needs to be paid, usually NOW not later.

We discovered and had confirmed that our 13 year old boxer has a cancerous tumor and it is growing rapidly. We will likely get through Christmas but will have to say good bye to our steady companion shortly after Christmas. He has had a wonderful life and has been an excellent family pet and a beautiful spirit. He will be missed dearly. This will be an adjustment for our kids 6 and 3, but also for us adults.

On the day of the vet visit to have this sad news confirmed the check engine light came on in my car. Since I commute more than a few miles back and forth to work I thought it was best to have it checked out. $300 and a bit, later... then while my car is in the shop, I get a call from my hubby who is out trying to finish up some Christmas shopping for me. His Truck has died, it will not start.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Who knows what that will cost but needless to say the credit card will be coming out.

However today was the Primary Christmas concert at my sons school, a wonderful magical event that warms your heart.

We are always so proud of our son and this year was no different. It is the things like that will be remembered about this Christmas.

I can't wait to see the kids faces light up with each gift that their grandparents, aunts and uncles have decided to spoil them with.

Our children will be cleaning out their toy room this weekend to donate toys they don't play with for others who may not be getting any toys this year.

We generally only have one gift for our kids "from Santa" and one small gift from mom and dad plus their stockings filled with neccesities, ie, socks, underwear, toothbrush, toothpaste etc.

This has been a tough tough year for many people in our community, so far we have had a few knocks but we will be okay.

I continue to believe that we have the tools to deal with whatever is given to us. We just have to believe it is possible to deal with it.

That is the key, Believe!

shann

:)

Holiday stresses???

Yeah come on, you feel it?? Don't you?

I know both Shannon and I are feeling it! The running around of normal kid events such as scouting, swimming, hockey, hockey and oh more hockey. Then you can add in festive parties, church events, friend get togethers, extended family outings and its a recipe for over load. Oh and lets not forget to add that rush to the mall because you need to buy more. Then there is the search for the perfect gift, oh and fitting in some holiday baking somewhere in your chaotic schedule too!!!

Sound familiar?

I know its that way in this household lately.

What can we do to have less stress and more balance.

1. slow down. You don't have to say "yes" to every event. I know its hard, but sometimes its just impossible.

2. everything in moderation. You don't have to over do the food or alcohol. Although we all want to at certain events (especially if we have energy vampires there) but really everything in moderation. Including food. Don't go and not enjoy, but don't over do it. You'll thank yourself later!

3. forget perfection. It is not the time of year to worry about every last little detail if your entertaining. Just go with the flow. Remember people aren't there to visit your house, they are there to visit YOU.

4. remain positive. If you have to deal with family/friends that you know are going to upset you, don't go thinking this is going to be horrible. It will be whatever you think it to be. The key to dealing with that kind of issues is having a positive attitude.

5. take time. Make sure you take time this holiday season to enjoy something you like doing. Relax, go for a walk, go shopping (only if it doesn't stress you lol) but do something for you! Massage, reflexology, hair/nail appointment. Something fun that you will enjoy!!!

6. keep the meaning. What does Christmastime mean to you? Keep that spirit of Christmas alive! To me its the magic of Christmas, the joy, and the birth of Jesus. This is what we keep alive in our house. Whatever the meaning is for you, keep it!

7. keep it simple. Commercialism has taken over a lot of Christmas, but it doesn't have too. You don't have to spend till your broke! Remember that sometimes the best Christmastime memories are events/people not the gifts!

8. ENJOY. Remember to live in the moment, stop worrying about tomorrow. Just enjoy the season and all its magic.


Smile ....and have a wonderful few weeks leading up to Christmas!